


Let Me Be Your Guide

by Romancemesomeziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, Size Kink, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 11:30:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19767292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romancemesomeziam/pseuds/Romancemesomeziam
Summary: The ideas in this fiction in no way are related to reality or depicting personal views of real people.Everything is fictional.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The ideas in this fiction in no way are related to reality or depicting personal views of real people.
> 
> Everything is fictional.

There are days that were horrible, filled with gnawing anxiety, ghost hands gripping at his chest, his windpipe blocked by the sheer strength of the panic strangling him. Some days walking to the grocery store was a task, walking by people that recognize him and tried to greet him made his skin crawl, rashes blooming over his pale body as he stammered his way back home.

Those panic attacks felt like the end of the world, hitting without warning, blinding him from reality, filling his mind with a depressing fog. Its like watching himself crash and burn, seeing others worry about him, falling within the confines of guilt and becoming more and more lost in the cycle of it all when there was simply nothing he could do to make it better.

Those were the days that made Bressie wonder if he should just give up, stay home with his guitar and recording equipment, making music in the confines of his home only to release it online later. After all, the future was with Internet, everything was digital, and so why not, he thought as he contemplated another dreadful day, pulling on a pair of running pants.

But Bressie knew isolating himself wasn’t an option. He had long learned that it wouldn’t help his condition, that the depression or the panic attacks would still be present, but he would be miserable and alone, struggling through it on his own.

He also knew he would miss the fresh air of Mullingar as well as the rain of London’s gray mornings. He would miss the bright lights of the city and the sound of rambunctious clubs when he found the strength and enthusiasm to follow his mates into pubs, allowing beer to soothe his nerves.

During some of those days, Bressie forced himself to smile, to go through the motions of his daily routine without much hope for the future. He ran every morning, no matter the weather, making his body use to the burn in his muscle to contradict the burning in his mind.

But all was not always gloom for Bressie, as he tried to find small pleasures in those rigid routines. He smiled when he stopped in the nearby park, observing neighbourhood dogs as they played together, framed in by the early chirping of birds.

Bressie had long learned to understand that under the dark skies hid a sun that radiates brighter than any storm, that behind bad could always come some good. That no matter how deep and impenetrable the walls his depression built around him, there would always be something, or rather someone to destroy those barriers. Those days on the contrary to the faded colors of anxiety, were filled with laughter, love and music. They were like bright vivid colors exploding in Bressie’s mind, the endorphins coursing through his body a pleasant contradiction to the usual itchiness of his own mind.

On days like those, he didn’t feel the cruel sting of depression or the crushing pressure of anxiety. Most of those days were filled with bright blue eyes and laughter, bleached blond hair tickling his nose as pints of beer were drank in between loud jamming session. Those days were usually filled with many things, all great and beautiful but in the end it all came down to one thing; It all came down to Niall.

Ever since the day they had met, years ago when Niall was nothing but a boy with big dreams and an out of tune guitar, Bressie had found some sort of comfort in the blond boy’s presence.

There was something magnetic about Niall, his charm radiating easily as he had gripped onto Bressie without asking permission, quickly becoming a permanent fixture in his life. And even

when the boy turned into a man, touring the world and becoming more famous than the Beatles, Niall still remained the glowing light in Bressie’s life.

The problem was, since Niall was so famous, they barely had time to see one another. Niall spent his time skipping from one city to the next, singing around the world to entertain the screaming girls that seemed to have invaded every corner of the world.

Bressie on the other hand spent most of his time recording random tunes in his London studio, hitting back pints with Eoghan when he was free. The rest of his time was spent on the road, talking about his issues, trying to make others recognize the importance of them.

Yet those days often left him frustrated and angry, never reaching the audience he needed to make a break, to make a difference and help other people like himself. On those nights, Bressie curled himself in whatever hotel bed he’d been given, scrolling through his phone, craving the scent of musky cologne and rainy Mullingar nights.

Sometimes he’d get the courage to press his trembling finger to Niall’s name, a little shamrock emoji next to it reminding him of home.

But he always worried about waking the other man, wondering where he was, which time zone he was in, with who he was spending his time. Those constant questions only ever added to Bressie’s anxiety, now desperate to hear the sound of Niall’s voice. And on those days he mustered the courage to dial Niall, and wait the full rings for someone to pick up, Niall always answered without fault, his voice clear as glass through the fog in Bressie’s mind, guiding him towards calm waters.

Even half asleep, Niall would always pick up the phone, his groggy tone making Bressie’s heart tighten with guilt that Niall soon soothed away with kind words and gentle murmurs.

And Bressie didn’t need to explain why he was calling, didn’t need to tell Niall that the demons had started to entertain his thoughts again, or that the elephants stubbornly sat on his chest. Somehow, Niall always knew, what was wrong offering comforting words, his lulling voice and thick accent a reminder of home, something familiar and warm that eased Bressie’s straining mind.

Yet they remained nothing more than friends, no matter what Eoghan teased them with, making kissy faces at them in the middle of crowded bars when Bressie started getting nervous and the simple pressure of Niall’s palm to his back appeased him.

But it was evident that Bressie couldn’t deny his own feelings, Eoghn mocking him restlessly when Niall fell asleep from jetlag on top of him or when Bressie groaned in frustration as Niall was swept away by various girls in clubs, looking for their five minutes of fame.

They were friends after all Bressie kept reminding himself, breathing through the weight that cradled his heart at the memory of Niall, head thrown back, arm wrapped around a petite brunette that molded herself to his side. Pushing himself faster, his speed increasing, Bressie closed his eyes as he kept running, trying to slow his breathing as fire filled his lungs.

In reality that sight of Niall with others stung more than it should, and rationally Bressie knew that, so he comforted himself with the fact that the next morning he knew Niall would knock on his door; wide smile and pastries in hand, ready to fight a deadly hung over as they cuddled on the couch and watched movies. No one else had that Bressie tried to argue with himself, desperate to convince his own heart that it was enough, that he didn’t need more.

Niall however made it difficult for Bressie to be content with what he had, the smaller man seeking warmth in the confines of Bressie’s larger frame, mumbling tired promises of future football games together against his chest as he fell asleep, leaving Bressie breathless and confused.

He had tried for years to deny his feelings, scared beyond words of what it meant for his heart to palpitate every time his skin touched Niall’s own. He didn’t want to ruin their friendship, already hated how he imposed his issues upon the other man, but he needed Niall, and the blond boy only smiled at the words, stating how much he needed Bressie just as much.

And with all honesty, Bressie never understood why, never saw what he offered Niall, but selfishly he chose not to question it. He accepted Niall’s unconditional attention, his support and admiration through the struggle with his depression and anxiety, knowing that whenever he needed it, Niall would be the light that guided him away from the darkness, the lighthouse leading him home.

Niall would be his everything.


	2. Chapter 2

Like clockwork, the phone rang at precisely 1:49 am, as it did every morning, dragging Bressie out of fitful sleep so he could answer with a groggy greeting.

He knew exactly who was on the other end of the line, didn’t need to hear the mumbled morning Chief that caressed its way into his ear, making his heart skip a beat.

“Wasn’t sure you’d call,” Bressie admitted as he pushed himself up, leaning against the headboard of his giant king size bed, trying desperately to concentrate on the breathing he could hear through the phone rather than the clock that blinked a few feet away from him.

“I always call,” answered Niall easily, something slightly offended in his voice heard over the ruffling of bed sheets.

Bressie felt the immediate tang of guilt on his tongue as he bit down on an apology, knowing perfectly well that Niall would tell him to fuck right off. He hated the fact Niall had taken upon himself to help him through his anxiety attacks, knowing there was one that occurred every night at exactly 2 am. No matter where he was in the world, be it South America, Australia, or even sleeping on Bressie’s own couch, Niall never missed a call. He called every day at 1:49, trying to distract Bressie until time slipped by him and the inevitable panic attack faded.

And sometimes it didn’t work that well, sometimes Bressie found himself lying on the floor, gripping at his throat, trying to breathe as he heard Niall talking on the phone, something soothing and distant that kept him somewhat sane. It angered him to feel so weak at times, to need someone there to comfort him and help him through his issues but Niall had long told him that it didn’t matter, that everyone needed a helping hand at times.

In fact, Niall seemed to take everything in stride, never once showing discomfort if he felt any, even if he sometimes spent long minutes on the phone talking without an answer, no doubt hearing the strangled noises Bressie made as he tried to breathe through yet another attack.

“How was your run tonight?” Niall asked, bringing Bressie out of his trance like memories, snapping back to reality as he blurted out lap times and popular landmarks he’d crossed.

Running had become one of Bressie’s outlets for his anxiety, challenging himself, his body and his mind into things he always was beyond afraid to do, pushing himself further than any limits he could have ever imaged. He used the exhaustion and the burning sensation in his lungs as a victory, a distraction to the shadows lurking in his mind.

Niall always seemed to love the idea, insisting to join Bressie on many of his runs although the blond lapped behind quickly, his bum knee an issue they didn’t discuss. Yet, it never really bothered Bressie that he had to slow his paste down to accommodate Niall’s injury. On the contrary, having someone by his side, someone to tend to, seemed to distract him at times, taking away from the need to punish his own body.

The problem with this friendship they had developed over the years, sometimes sparse as Niall traveled the world restlessly, was that sometimes it didn’t feel like enough to Bressie. He felt he depended too strongly on the other man, felt as though he was leeching off, demanding more than he had the right to and yet his heart was unable to pull him away. Every time he promised himself that he wouldn’t ask Niall for help, or he wouldn’t text the blond for a few days, he found himself failing miserably, or comforted when Niall was the one that approached him, obvious worry in his actions.

Somewhere along the way of accepting Niall’s support, Bressie got lost in the fine lines of their friendship. It was too easy to wake up in bed with Niall, the blond boy cuddled in his side, seeking heat without the knowledge of the affect it had on Bressie. He could hide his feelings in his anxiety, something he grew to despise, some days barely able to face Niall because of how frustrated he felt with himself.

Yet, Niall never seemed affected by any of it, his smile radiating through the world no matter what he went through. He stood strong by Bressie’s side no matter what the older man told him, no matter how many break downs he had, Niall was always there.

Most people would find the thought comforting, to have an anchor that was so reliable but Bressie was mostly repulsed by it. It wasn’t the fact that he needed aid and support that annoyed him. Quite the contrary, he knew how important it was in his life to have strong people by his side, like his parents, Eoghan and Niall to help him through the depression and anxiety. What he hated was that he managed to turn an amazing friendship into something that he had trouble accepting, into something that wasn’t enough for him.

At times he felt as though he was taking advantage of Niall, lingering a little too long when they hugged so he could memories the way the other man smelled like, or holding on a little too tight when they play fought to engrave the lines of Niall’s body in his brain.

He knew it was wrong, knew he didn’t have to use Niall’s good heart to satisfy his feelings and emotional cravings but he couldn’t help himself. Ironically, sometimes that triggered more anxiety attacks, which only lead Niall to linger longer by Bressie’s side, offering comfort with soothing hands rubbing down his back which only made things worse.

“I’ll be back in Mullingar tomorrow,” he heard Niall say quietly as he stifled a yawn, making Bressie wince as he rolled over in bed, cradling the phone to his ear.

“Just a pass by for luggage or you actually staying for a bit?” Bressie found himself asking, swallowing around the lump that seemed to have formed in his throat.

Reality was, they hadn’t spent any actual time together in months, nothing but a few minutes conversation on the crossroad down town before Niall was off to meet another fancy producer, or invited to dine with the Queen.

“Sticking around for a while,” Niall answered, something happy and bright in his tone. “We have mini break or something.”

“That’s cool,” replied Bressie, trying to sound nonchalant even though his entire body blazed with heat at the idea of spending quality time with Niall again. “See your family and all, Theo will be happy.”

“Yeah,” agreed Niall as he coughed, a distant sound resonating through the phone. “Maybe we could hang out for a change, like proper night with pints and Nandos.”

“Definitely,” Bressie answered easily, immediately feeling guilty. He didn’t want Niall to feel obligated to hang out with him, to feel as though he needed to take time out of his precious and rare vacation to make sure Bressie was alright. “I’ll give Eoghan a call, we can make it a thing,” he adds for good measure, trying to release some of the shame he feels at the prospect of Niall wasting time on him, trying to protect him from himself.

“Yeah sure, if you want,” Niall responded after a beat of silence, a caution making Bressie weary as he clutched the blankets pooling around his waist. “We made it by the way, Chief.”

Without further indication, Bressie knew exactly what Niall meant, turning over to look at the clock on his bed side table indicating that it was almost 2:30 am.

“You don’t have to keep doing this,” Bressie whispered before he could stop himself.

There’s a groan that came from the other end of the line, more sheets ruffling as Bressie could only imagine Niall rolling his eyes at his words.

“You’re an idiot you know that mate?” Niall said with a bark of laughter, obviously not expecting Bressie to answer. “You going to pick me up at the airport?”

The question excited Bressie more than he would have like to admit, another type of panic spreading through his body as he felt his dick thicken at the thought of holding Niall in his arms again.

“Just text me the details,” supplied Bressie, pushing the palm of his hand against his hardening length, stifling a moan as he watched the night sky illuminate his bedroom. “I’ll see you then.”

“Will do, Chief. Try and sleep now, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Niall said as a silence lingered between them, none of them replying until Niall simply hung up, leaving Bressie a little breathless as he listened to the sound of the dial tone.

The thought of picking Niall up from the airport brought back memories of months ago, something Bressie had tried to forget ever since. The last time Niall had left the country, Bressie had driven him to the airport, trying to make it fun to ease Niall’s departure. He knew how bad the younger lad struggled every time he left Ireland, so desperately attached to his home land that it made him a little sick to leave. And so for once Bressie had found himself in the position where he was suppose to offer comfort, to soothe Niall’s pain before he boarded yet another flight that took him all around the world.

But when they’d found themselves alone on the strip where Niall’s private jet was waiting, there had been something different in the air, something electric. The entire ride from Mullingar to the airport had been spent in relative silence, a rare occurrence in Niall’s presence. But Bressie had simply attributed the silence to the previous nights endeavors, remembering how many pints they’d drank as they watched endless matches of footy on the telly, late into the morning sun.

And just before Niall was due to board his plane, the younger lad had wrapped his arms around Bressie’s neck, mumbling a muted goodbye as Bressie returned the hug, his hands sprawled at the bottom of Niall’s back. He remembered feeling strong as he held Niall to his chest, something about their size difference and the way Niall so easily fit into his body making him feel confident and light for the first time in days.

What he hadn’t expected however was for Niall to pull away slightly, looking up at him through long lashes before leaning in again, pressing his lips to the side of Bressie’s mouth. The contact had been only for a few seconds, a bare brush of lips but it had left Bressie confused yet amazed, his skin buzzing even when Niall was gone, waving at him from inside the plane. But they had never discussed the kiss, never even mentioned it as they talked hours later when Niall had landed safely in London and was back in his own flat.

Now that Niall was returning however, Bressie found himself unable to forget, the tingling sensation that the kiss had triggered once again coursing through his body.

He had question for days what it had meant, always figured it was just Niall being Niall, his affectionate side something he never hid. Yet, Bressie couldn’t help but remain hopeful, maybe for another accidental kiss or maybe for something more. In truth, he wanted to try and tell Niall about his feelings, wanted to relieve the growing pressure in his heart, knowing perfectly well how anxious the omission made him. Possibly, he would have time to do it now that Niall was returning home and perhaps for once, he could hope for the best of outcomes. He could hope to return the favor, and be Niall’s own guiding light.


	3. Chapter 3

“Do you want another?” asked Bressie as he stood, slapping Niall’s feet off the coffee table as he glared at the younger lad who only laughed in response, throwing his head back as if Bressie had said the funniest joke in the world.

“Bring a few,” Niall answered swatting in Bressie’s direction as he took the last sip from his bottle, putting it down on the table before strumming his guitar, a huge smile plastered to his face. “Feels so good to be home, Chief.”

Bressie only hummed in response, feet catching in the carpet as he tried not to stare at Niall who removed his hoodie, his shirt getting caught in the process, exposing his abs. Coughing uncomfortably, Bressie watched as Niall smiled to himself, his usual happiness clearly shinning through as the boy leaned back into the couch, thumbing a broken melody on his guitar.

It had been a loud ride back to Mullingar, filled with Niall’s roaring laughter as Bressie told him about his latest mishaps, getting little sympathy from the blond.

“Can’t remember the last time I turned me phone off,” Niall mumbled, as he closed his eyes, fingers still caressing the strings of his guitar. “Didn’t even tell anyone I was flying in, just wanted a night to meself.”

“And yet here you are,” snorted Bressie, walking back towards Niall with a few beers in hand, handing one over to the younger lad before falling onto the couch next to him, propping his feet up on the table as he tipped his shoes off. “Invited Eoghan too.”

“That different,” whined Niall, twisting the cap off his beer as he beamed in Bressie’s direction, tongue caught between his teeth. “Didn’t want to waste the evening even though me plane was delayed.”

“Just teasing you, Chief,” Bressie assured, reaching out to ruffle Niall’s hair who glared at him, looking more like a child than anything else.

“You’re always welcome here, even if you’re such a bad influence on me,” added Bressie, knocking his shoulder to Niall’s with an amused grin.

Another round of booming laughter echoed through the room as Niall leaned into Bressie’s side, radiating a comforting heat that had the flush in Bressie’s cheeks caused by the alcohol deepen.

They fell into a comfortable silence as a movie started on the telly, Bressie’s eyes closing on their own accord, lulled by the silent hum of Niall’s voice that vibrated through his body.

“Wonder where Eoghan is,” Niall said after a few minutes, shifting so his head fell on Bressie’s shoulder, something easy and comfortable done without thought on Niall’s part but had Bressie’s stomach in knots. “Bet that wanker got pissed at the bar and couldn’t even make it here.”

“Sounds like him,” Bressie agreed as he reached out for his phone, careful not to disturb Niall as he sent a text to Eoghan, the clock already indicating it was well past midnight. “I got the new FIFA game if you want to play?”

“Definitely,” Niall replied, throwing his guitar carelessly over to the other couch as he grabbed hold of the controllers that were lying on the floor, offering one to Bressie.

Soon they were lost in the competition of the game, screaming with every goal as they drank a few more beers. There was heavy music filling the air, the bass trembling through the floor as they bumped shoulders, trying to throw each other’s concentration off.

“You’re such a cheat,” groaned Niall after losing his third game, kicking at Bressie’s shin as he finished yet another beer.

“Don’t be a poor sport,” the larger man said with a laugh, stomach rumbling with hunger. “I’ll even get you food so you forget how bad you suck at this game.”

“I do not suck,” exclaimed Niall, eyes wide and mouth agape as if thoroughly offended as his eyes followed Bressie. “You’re a fucking giant mate, knocking into me with your giant shoulder, fucking with me concentration.”

“Excuses Horan,” Bressie yelled over his shoulder, chuckling lowly as he saw Niall roll his eyes.

Once in the kitchen, Bressie pulled a few items from the refrigerator, the dizziness in his mind only spreading through his body as he started making a sandwich. At first he thought it was the alcohol slowly making its way into his blood, making him feel hot, his throat a little tight. But the shaking in his hands made him realize it wasn’t the beer affecting him, his heart starting to beat out of sync as he fell to his knees, clutching at his chest.

A clattering sound followed his plunge, dishes falling across his back as Bressie, pulled at his throat, the skin around his neck making him feel as though he was being suffocated, his body blazing with a heat he couldn’t understand. It was like drowning and yet being burned alive, his body taking over everything, his mind no longer in control as he trashed across the cold marble floor.

Suddenly, there was a hand on his back, something smooth and gentle that eased the ringing in his ears as he struggled to breathe, bile staining his tongue with a bitter taste. He could hear Niall’s voice breaking through the chaos in his mind, and he clung to it, desperately trying to come back to reality, gripping at anything he could find around him.

He felt the strong fingers thread through his hair, hot breath fanning over his face as he laboured through the panic, using Niall as an anchor, a focus point. Yet his body seemed determined to make him sink into the depth of an ocean far beyond what he had battle before, darkness blinding him as he shook violently, a ripping sound added to the ringing in his ear.

He could start to hear the panic in Niall’s voice, which only added to his own panic. He felt as though his lung were filled with a thick smoke, his head pounding as he started rocking back and forth, hitting his forehead against the tile in hopes of making it stop.

Soon there were arms wrapped around him, awkwardly preventing his movements as he trashed to get free, biting down on his own lip, trying to regain control of himself. A sudden pressure clasped around his neck changing his focus around, making him concentrate on the gentle touch there. Niall’ fingers lingered near his jaw, his muscle rolling under the callous finger pads as more soothing words were uttered.

But Bressie still couldn’t get his mind to settle on one thing as it continued to bounce back and forth restlessly, hundreds of words chaotically rushing through his mind, starving him as he descended further into his panic attack, unable to accept Niall’s help. He couldn’t even see the younger lad, knew he was there somewhere in front of him and yet his blindness left him utterly deprived.

And when he thought it was finally the end, his suffering intensifying beyond anything humanly imaginable, there was a light that shined through the darkness, a tiny guiding star that rose through his fogged mind.

Bressie clung to that brightness, something foreign and strange blooming in his body, calming the storm that raged through his mind. He came back to his senses slowly, still trembling as he laid on his side in the middle of his kitchen, hands clutching his shirt that he soon realized was ripped to shreds. The realization was soon pushed aside however when Bressie felt his head being tilted to the side to accommodate the light he was following, making it shine brighter as the strangling sensation dissipated. The burning sensation on the other hand only grew with intensity, yet turned from painful to passionate. It was a deep craving, something hidden far beneath his skin that guided him forward until he realized what the light was, his eyes snapping open as the world once again became clear.

Lying next to him on the floor was Niall, eyes closed as he was holding on to Bressie’s arm with a desperate grip, lips cushioned to Bressie’s own as they kissed. It wasn’t exactly the best of kiss, sloppy and frantic, settled into an awkward position and yet Bressie found himself clinging to the younger lad as if his life depended on it, reaching out to wrap his arm around Niall’s waist until they were pressed together.

He couldn’t stop himself from closing his eyes once more, falling into the easy rhythm Niall set as they kissed, tongues brushing as it turned less frenzied. Soon, Niall was pulling away, leaning his forehead against Bressie’s own, whose breaths were still laboured, coming out loud in the deafening silence between them.

“Are you ok?” Niall whispered after a second, licking at his lips.

His throat still tight from the panic attack, emotions caught up in his brain, Bressie found himself simply closing his eyes again, shaking his head at the question. There was no point in lying. By now Niall knew of his panic attacks, knew how long it took to get over them. So honest felt like the best solution. And in some strange way it ways, the honest admission making Niall lean in once more, pressing their mouths together again.

It was a different type of kiss this time, not something forced from panic and desperation but rather from a comforting soothing place, an offer of strength that Bressie accepted gratefully, fingers lingering at the bottom of Niall’s spin.

“I turned me phone off,” Niall mumbled when their lips parted, his words catching on Bressie’s tongue. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think of the alarm that warns me about the 2 am attack.”

“Its not your job to remember,” Bressie managed to utter, his voice fucked beyond belief as he realized what he was doing, what he was demanding from Niall, which had him recoiling, extracting himself from the blonde’s touch. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Niall replied quickly, seemingly unfazed by Bressie’s sudden reluctance to be touched as they moved apart, awkwardly wiggling on the cold tile. “Do you think you can stand?”

Shaking his head, Bressie groaned from the massive headache that quickly settled in his mind, pushing at his temple which created dark spots in his vision. He could still feel a tremor rock through his body as he managed to sit up, leaning back against the wooden cabinets as Niall kneeled before him, obvious worry etched into his face.

Next thing he knew there was a blanket throw over his shoulder, a glass of water pressed to his lips as kind words were whispered in his ears.

“You’ll be ok, Chief,” Niall repeated over and over again, and it occurred to Bressie that the younger lad was seemingly repeating the mantra more for himself than to him.

“Can you help me to the bedroom?” muttered Bressie when he finished the glass of water Niall had given him, leaving the empty cup on the floor as Niall wrapped an arm around his waist, lifting him to his feet.

It was an awkward position seeing how much taller Bressie was, his upper body void of strength barely able to stand on its own as Niall all but dragged him the few meters to his bedroom, helping him sit on the edge of the bed.

“Let’s get you out of these clothes,” Niall said, reaching out for the hem of Bressie’s ripped shirt, helping him raise his arms to ease the sweat-soaked material off. Bressie found himself limp, unable to move as he watched Niall move gently around him, removing his clothing with care. His skin still burned at the touch, a buzzing energy he knew would take hours to settle.

When he was left in nothing but his boxers, Bressie found himself thinking he should be ashamed or embarrassed of his own weakness and vulnerability, so blatantly exposed before Niall, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to be. He accepted Niall’s help without a fault, turning on his side with strained breaths when Niall ease him down, covering him with a thin blanket before lying down next to him.

“Why?” Bressie asked when they were both covered in darkness, nothing but the sound of his own voice filling the air, his skin feeling clammy as his heart still refused to beat normally.

And he didn’t need to see Niall to know the young man shook his head in response, a muted don’t whispered between them before lips were once again pressed to his forehead, a hand gently settled on his hip.

“Just sleep,” breathed Niall, fingers ghosting along Bressie’s naked stomach, something soft and small yet burning to the touch, sending chills deep down into Bressie’s soul.

And usually after a panic attack Bressie found himself drained from life, simply dead to the world but tonight was different as Niall curled around him, clinging to him as though he was a buoy meant for his survival. Wide awake, heart strumming with an unusual pattern, Bressie mind remained awake through the night, hand splayed at the bottom of Niall’s back, this time trying to return the comfort the boy had so willingly given earlier.


	4. Chapter 4

When Bressie woke, he was startled by the cold air licking at his naked ankle. It was unusually late, the clock on the bedside table blaring an angry 10:22 am as he turned, groaning from the morning sunlight shinning in his face. Surprisingly, he felt rather rested, the previous nights panic attack leavings kinks in his muscle but nothing as major as he had expected.

He knew how sometimes he felt fucked for days, barely able to do anything but linger in bed. Yet, he felt somewhat refreshed this morning, the soft humming coming from his kitchen sparking a new fever inside him.

Niall was still here, probably cooking something fat and greasy to get over the slight hangover. The same Niall that had kissed him through his panic attack last night, the same Niall that seemed to refuse to discuss the fact that this was the second time they kissed.

Truth was, the entire encounter had left Bressie a little confused, dazed and worried as he fell into a fitful sleep. It had taken hours for him to fall asleep, Niall’s breathing fanning across his neck making his body tense with every exhale. He didn’t know what to think, and even less what to do. Niall was just one of his mates, a lad like the others Bressie had tried to convince himself.

But it was obvious there was something different about Niall. Even though all the other lads were supportive, helping Bressie as they could, none of them had taken on the role as much as Niall had. At first Bressie figured it was simply Niall being Niall. The guy had a big heart and a weird sleeping schedule which made it easy for him to call at 2 am. But at some point their friendship had evolved into something a little...strange.

They had denied it for long enough, thought Bressie as he pulled himself out of bed. They needed to address whatever was happening between them. Exchanging kisses and skimming over fine lines was dangerous to their friendship and Bressie simply didn’t want to risk it.

The smell of bacon was already thick in the air by the time Bresise walked into the kitchen, his feet padding softly along the cold hardwood floors. He felt a little shitty for missing his morning run, trying to rationalize it with having a guest over. However, he knew if he had gone out running he wouldn’t be struggling so much with his emotions. The curved paved roads of Mullingar were a bit of his safe haven, the place where he ran and forgot about the world. When he ran, his mind often seemed to sort itself out, to make nice little, simple categorizations of his feelings that were so much easier to understand than the pre-run jumble.

“Smells good,” mumbled Bressie as he went to open the refrigerator, taking the orange juice out and taking a sip directly from the carton as Niall turned to smile at him.

“Thought you could use something to cheer you up,” Niall replied, shrugging his shoulders as he flipped the eggs in one of the numerous pans before him. “Wasn’t sure what you’d want though.”

Rather than answer, Bressie stayed silent, leaning back against the counter until Niall turned around, an inquisitive look on his face. “Are you being difficult again?”

Unable to stop the smile that spread across his face, Bressie simply shook his head taking another sip of orange juice. “Think we should talk,” he managed to mumble over the sound of his erratic heart.

For a split second Niall’s usual smile was swiped off his face, replaced by a frown that seemed so foreign on the younger lad’s face. “Nothing much to say,” Niall said easily before he forced a grin, turning back towards the stovetop to stir something boiling in one of the numerous pots.

“So you kiss a lot of people like that?” Bressie found himself asking, suddenly confident as he walked towards Niall, allowing his hand to settle on the blond boy’s hip, pulling their bodies together.

He heard the hitch in Niall’s breathing at their proximity, a burst of tension flowing through the young man’s body as he coughed. “I was just trying to distract you,” argued Niall, slipping by Bressie to stuff some bread into the toaster.

It felt odd for a second how perfectly Niall fell into his life, knowing his kitchen almost better than Bressie did. He had never realized until now how domestic they were when Niall actually settled in Mullingar for more than a few hours, spending more time in Bressie’s house than his own.

“So it was just a distraction?” Bressie pushed further, taking another step towards Niall until the smaller lad was caged in by the counter behind him, Bressie body blocking any way out. “Nothing more?”

A small sigh fell from the boy’s mouth as he bit into his bottom lip, avoiding Bressie’s gaze as he leaned back into the counter. “Let’s not do this, yeah? I’m leaving in a few days and neither of us need the shit storm.”

“Tell me it wasn’t a panic kiss,” whispered Bressie as he stepped in between Niall’s legs, hands settling on the counter on either side of Niall’s body. The position brought their bodies inches apart. They weren’t actually touching, but they were close enough so that Bressie could feel Niall’s body heat. “I need to know you didn’t do it because you didn’t know what else to do.”

“Fuck,” groaned Niall, reaching out to rub at his face before looking up at Bressie, their eyes meeting for a few seconds before the younger lad looked away. “Bres, Please.”

“Please what?”

“Just stop fucking about,” muttered Niall, a sudden angry tone to his voice as he pressed both hands to Bressie’s chest, pushing him but without conviction. “I’m sorry, I took it too far. I won’t do it again.”

“You’re so daft, Chief,” Bressie breathed out as he leaned down, bowing his head so he could be down to Niall’s height. Pushing their foreheads together, he closed his eyes, leaning even further down to nuzzle the younger man’s neck.

With his lips pressed to Niall’s neck, a delicate brush of skin to skin, Bressie allowed his words to stand in the silence as Niall’s trembling hands settled at the bottom of his back, pulling them together.

“I might have wanted to,” mumbled Niall.

“Might?” Bressie asked, breathing across the younger lad’s collarbone as he pulled back, grinning at Niall.

“Shut up,” Niall whined as he pushed Bressie shoulder. The bigger man barely moved, feet planted solidly onto the kitchen floor as he waited. He nudged Niall back a little, making the other lad grimace before smirking, throwing a fake punch into Bressie’s side.

“Oh no you didn’t,” laughed Bressie as he blocked the punch, reaching out to encircle Niall’s waist, dragging him around, until they scuffled like teenage boys, ripping at each other’s clothes while grinning manically. In no time Niall was pinned to the counter, contorted into some weird position with his head, stuck in an impressive headlock. 

“You fight like a shite,” Niall said just as Bressie pushed him further into the counter, making the younger lad groan from the uncomfortable pressure. “Fine, fine I give up.”

Releasing Niall immediately, Bressie took a step back, biting his bottom lip as he watched Niall stand to his full height, panting like he had just ran a marathon.

“You need to start training again.”

Rather than respond, Niall simply shrugged, looking away from Bressie, but still caged in by the man’s massive frame blocking his way.

“I wanted to kiss you,” the blond admitted after a second, the words barely above a whisper as he gazed up, meeting Bressie eye. “I shouldn’t have, I took advantage of the situation.”

“Again, you’re an idiot,” breathed Bressie, stepping in between Niall’s legs as he ran his fingers along the boy’s jaw. “Brat.”

Advancing even further, their bodies now molded around one another, Bressie settled his hand on either side of Niall’s hips, brushing their lips together tentatively. Niall on the other hand delved into the kiss head on, grasping the back of Bressie head, bringing their mouths together in a passionate clash.

Unable to stop himself, Bressie moaned into the kiss, gliding his hands all over the younger man’s body, until he palmed Niall’s ass greedily. The sound that escaped Niall’s mouth was something deep and needy, sending shivers through Bressie’s shin. Wrapping his hands around Niall’s thighs, Bressie heaved the man up, bringing him easily to sit on the counter so he could push his way further between the blonde’s legs.

“Why are you wearing so much clothes?” complained Niall childishly when Bressie pulled away for air, grinding shamelessly in between Niall’s legs.

“Wanted you to work for it,” Bressie joked, but Niall seemed to take it as a challenge, immediately reaching for the hem of Bressie’s shirt, pulling it over his head, before crashing their mouths back together.

The cold morning air stung against his skin, the contrast of Niall’s flaming body making Bressie sigh as he worked on ridding Niall of his own shirt. Yet his hands trembled with anticipation, making the task difficult until Niall took upon himself to strip his shirt.

“Impatient,” grinned the younger lad, biting down on Bressie’s bottom lip which only spurred the man further, dragging his fingers sharply down Niall’s back.

“Tell me what you want.”

“For you to fuck me,” Niall said as though it meant nothing, fingers running down the length of Bressie’s chest until they wrapped tightly in the waist band of his shorts. “Been waiting for fucking ever.”

“You never said anything,” murmured Bressie as he pulled away, his heart suddenly taking over his dick. “Why didn’t you?”

Sighing, Niall only pulled Bressie closer, trying to kiss him again but Bressie stopped him with a firm hand on his chest.

“I’m serious, why didn’t you tell me.”

“Exactly for the look you’re giving me right now,” groaned Niall, this time a sound of exasperation and not pleasure. “I’m not a child Bres.”

“I never said –“ started Bressie but was immediately interrupted.

“You don’t have to say it,” sighed Niall, resting his forehead along Bressie’s collarbone, his voice falling to a hush tone. “I know how you think. You hate that I check up on you, that I care about you. You think I do it because I think you can’t take care of yourself but that’s not it. I do it because I want to, because it gives me an excuse to call you in the middle of the night and hear your voice. I do it because I probably need it more than you do. It keeps me sane, keeps me grounded at home.”

“Niall.”

“Just please shut up and kiss me,” all but begged Niall when he saw Bressie’s worried grimace. “I’m hard as fuck.”

“Such a fucking romantic,” chuckled Bressie, eyes tear-stained as he bit down on Niall’s collarbone, earning a small moan. “We really have to talk.”

“Can’t we do it after you fuck me?”

“No,” Bressie grumbled, talking a step away from the smaller man, desperately trying not to stare at Niall’s erection. “Fuck..this is.. fuck.”

“Bres, it doesn’t change anything,” Niall stuttered as he leaped off the counter, taking a step towards Bressie who only increased the distance between them. “You’re serious right now, you’re going to make this awkward.”

Shaking his head, Bressie stumbled back into the wall, a sudden tightness in his throat as he watched anger spread through the younger man’s body.

“You should have said something sooner,” whispered Bressie, hating the tremor in his voice, feeling the buzzing sensation coursing through his body which he knew would soon explode. He had to find a way to calm down, to soothe this growing panic and yet the only way he knew how to do that stood facing him. Niall own emotions poured through the room, electrifying the air. “I need a shower.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” conceded Niall after a minute, shaking his own head as he slipped into his shirt again, soft hair sticking in every which direction. “I should go.”

“You don’t have to,” tried Bressie, fingers digging into his own skin as he watched Niall shove the dirty dishes into the sink, the clattering of pots and pans ringing in his ears.

“Yeah, I do,” Niall whispered as he gazed back at Bressie over his shoulder, offering him a sad smile before walking away, the breakfast he had prepared wasting away. 

Nothing but the sound of the door clicking shut could be heard for the next few minutes as Bressie simply stood, shock shelled in the middle of his kitchen. He managed to get his breathing to calm, his heart still beating frantically, as he washed the dishes, forcing greasy food down his throat until he felt like throwing up.

All he could see when he closed his eyes was Niall all around his house, lingering in every facet of his life. When he sat in the living room, feet kicked up on the table, all he could see was Niall next to him, hand waving in the air as he cheered for football. When he ate he saw the younger lad cooking. And even when he trained Bressie could hear Niall’s easy laughter ringing in his ears, something constantly nagging at his mind.

He had never realized until now how everything about his home was impregnated with Niall, dripping with memories, smells and unique laughter. And after Niall’s admission, after all the possibilities, Bressie found himself terrified. Everything the blond had said was true after all, his fear always holding him back, making him feel like a burden.

He felt as though he couldn’t do that to Niall, that taking that step further was like attaching a ball and chain to Niall’s ankle, weighing him down when all he needed was to be lifted above the ground. Niall was a star after all, the last thing he needed was a black hole sucking the life away from him. If Bressie allowed the boy in, he felt as though he would be condemning Niall to darkness and he simply refused to do that.

So when his phone rang at 1:49 am later that day, Bressie ignored the familiar ringtone, shoving his feet into an old pair of sneakers as he zipped a heavy hoodie with shaking hands. Leaving the buzzing device behind, Bressie bolted out the house, feet echoing across the pavement as he ran through Mullingar’s frozen night, no longer trying to escape his mind like usual, but rather trying to rescue his heart from drowning in icy blue eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

When the phone rang the next day at the same time as usual, Bressie stared at the device for a few seconds before shaking his head. Stepping into his runners quickly, he was out the door before the device stopped ringing.

On the second day, Bressie’s shoes where already on when his phone rang, causing a pang of guilt to spread through his body as he slammed the door shut behind himself. He ignored the voices in his head screaming he was an idiot, thumbing the volume of his music louder until he could hear nothing but unrecognizable noise drowning out his own thoughts.

By the third day, Bressie was out the door before his phone even rang, the frigid air sinking deep into his skin as he ran faster, his lungs burning from the pressure. He allowed his body to guide him through the quiet town, only glancing for a second at the mansion bigger than the others whose single bedroom light was still open. He knew perfectly well Niall was probably laid out in bed, frustrated, playing a few tunes on his guitar as he tried to relax.

When he woke on the fourth day, Bressie found himself lingering in bed for hours, his mind simply blank. It was as if his brain refused to acknowledge the world until he dealt with his “Niall” issue, his heart taking over his bodily functions.

He hadn’t checked his phone in days, knowing it was filled with numerous text messages and unanswered phone calls. He also knew most of them would be from Niall, the younger lad no doubt blaming himself for everything that was happening. Niall had a habit of taking it upon himself to solve everyone’s problems, his heart simply too big for all the shit in this world.

The last few days had fucked with Bressie’s system entirely though, rendering him tired and withered, a migraine quickly settling at the back of his head. He also knew he’d be unable to escape tonight, the ragging storm outside preventing him from going out for a run unless he wanted to catch pneumonia. He wasn’t crazy after all, knew running in such conditions was a shit idea. He also knew he could simply shut off his phone, and that way he wouldn’t have to hear it ring when Niall called later that night, but for some reason he found himself unable to do so.

He spent the day dragging himself through an elongated workout routine, hoping that by night fall he would be too exhausted to stay awake. By dinner time, his body was buzzing with a fearful anticipation as he glanced towards his cell phone every few minutes. He wasn’t exactly sure why he was so anxious for the call since knew he wouldn’t answer it, but he couldn’t help but wait for, using it as some type of masochist punishment.

Shuffling through the house, Bressie sighed, feeling restless as he stumbled over a tower of CDs he’d been putting off to shelf. Sitting on the floor, he filed through them, the eerie silence of the house an odd contradiction to the chaos of the outdoors. In the distance he could hear a slight dripping sound, barely audible but resonating in his mind, slowly driving him insane.

With a flute of swears falling from his lips, Bressie stood, searching for the source of the tiny sound. He scavenged quickly through every room in his house until he found the problem, yet another sigh falling from his mouth.

There was a leak in his ceiling, a constant drip of water clattering against the hardwood, cumulating in a large pool. Frustrated, Bressie, stepped under it, trying to locate the problem as the water poured over him, staining the front of his shirt. He managed to block the leak for a few seconds, long enough for him to place a bucket underneath to gather the water.

Luckily, the floor wasn’t too damaged by the time he cleaned it up, the water easily being absorbed by a few towels Bressie placed around the bucket. When he looked around the room, happy with the fact that he wouldn’t have to change the hardwoods, Bressie noticed the leak had increased in intensity, now cascading freely into the bucket as the torrential rains outside showed no signs of stopping. Grabbing his phone, Bressie typed up a quick message to Eoghan, asking him for advice or someone’s number to aid.

With the help of a few more ragged towels shoved into the leak, Bressie managed to decrease the intensity of the flow. As he stepped back, he realized his shirt was soaked with water, sticking to his abdomen in an uncomfortable manner. He pulled the material off, throwing it on the nearby floor before turning his attention back to the leak. Using a piece of plumber tape he found under the kitchen sink, Bressie fixed up a temporary solution.

“Can this day be anymore shite,” he mumbled to himself, rubbing a careless hand across his face.

A knock on his front door only added to his suffrage, another sigh escaping him as he walked towards the entrance. He expected to find Eoghan on his front porch, a bottle of whiskey in hand, ready to laugh at his mishap. What he had not expected however was to open the door to find a soaking wet Niall panting on his porch, the younger lad’s eyes trailing over Bressie’s half naked body in surprise.

“Niall,” he whispered, his brain unable to come up with anything coherent to say.

Finally, Niall’s gaze fell upon his own, a shy yet pained smile appearing on his face.

“I can’t leave like this Brez,” stuttered the blond immediately, wrapping his arms around himself as he rubbed his hands along his arms, seeking heat. “I’m leaving in the morning and god knows when I’ll be back. I don’t want to leave things like this. I can’t, its killing me.”

“You’re wet,” Bressie replied, obviously paying no attention to Niall’s words, completely enthralled by the water slowly sliding down the blonde’s neck only to be absorbed in the thin material of his shirt. “You’ll get sick.”

“I don’t care,” whined Niall, shaking his head. “Don’t you get it. I need you to stop babying me and thinking I’m here for all the wrong reasons.”

“Its not that simple,” mumbled Bressie as he tore his gaze away, starring distantly at the rain, trying to shake the nauseating feeling in his stomach. He wanted to believe Niall was here for the right reasons, wanted to believe they could make this work like a normal couple but he knew better. Deep down, there was always that crippling anxiety telling him that it was impossible, that the world would crash on his head and Niall would only end up hurt.

Niall on the other hand seemed to think something entirely different, a determined look settling on his face before he surged forward, grabbing Bressie by the back of his neck before crashing their lips together. Surprisingly, Niall’s lips upon his own felt soft, a contradiction to the force with which the other man kissed him. In fact the blond’s mouth was demanding, hands splayed at the back of Bressie head, pulling him in until their bodies were flushed together.

It would have been easy for Bressie to fall into the kiss, grabbing onto Niall’s waist as he opened his lips to feel the swipe of Niall’s tongue against his own. But there was an annoying voice in his head reminding him how bad of an idea it was, a curling sensation in his gut making him sick as he pulled away.

“We can’t do this,” mumbled Bressie, hearing his own lack of conviction. “You’re leaving anyways.”

“All the more reason,” replied Niall, looking up at him from under heavy lashes, a small grin spreading across his face as he pushed himself onto the tip of his toes. He pressed a delicate kiss to Bressie’s lips before pulling away, a shiver rocking his wet body as he seemed to wait for Bressie’s decision.

Grabbing the front of Niall’s shirt, Bressie swung the door shut behind them, pushing Niall up against the dark door before kissing him, this time with a passion of his own. He felt as though the dam inside his brain had finally broken, his mind being flooded with hundreds upon thousands of feelings he had suppressed for years.

The whimper Niall let out as he was shoved against the door only added fuel to the fire that was rapidly spreading through Bressie’s body as he ripped the younger lad’s shirt off. He marvelled at the pale skin, running his hands through the thin patch of hair there as he started kissing his way down the blonde’s body.

It was almost automatic, Niall’s hands immediately finding their way through his short hair, tugging at it with echoes of moans when Bressie nipped at Niall’s hip with his teeth. Falling to his knees, fingers trailing over the waistband of Niall’s soaked jeans, Bressie couldn’t help but wonder if the thrilling sensation in his stomach would ever go away.

Running his hands up and down Niall’s thighs, Bressie nuzzled his face into the smaller man’s stomach, suddenly feeling a little emotional. He knew it was pointless to say so, knew Niall would only be all too understanding about everything. He felt like an idiot, second guessing his every which decision, unable to stick to his own heart’s desire.

But the soft thumb that ran along the edge of his jaw seemed to bring him back into focus. Niall’s voice rang in his ears as he forced himself to pull away, looking up at Niall until the blonde smirked, something painfully sexy and alluring.

“Take me to bed, Chief,” slurred Niall, his words dripping with want as his fingers slid down the back of Bressie’s neck, demanding his attention. “I’m cold from the rain and I need you to warm me up.”

A little dazed, his own need stuck in his throat, Bressie swallowed through his anxiety, standing up on wobbly feet to kiss Niall again. The younger lad smiled into the kiss, biting at Bressie’s lip as his fingers dug into the back of his neck, leg coming up to wrap itself tightly around Bressie’s hip.

Taking that as a hint, Bressie slid his hands down Niall’s body, earning a filthy moan that turned into a surprised groan when he palmed the other man’s ass, lifting him up. With Niall now completely wrapped around him, the smaller man’s back pressed to the front door, Bressie took it upon himself to deepen the kiss, allowing his tongue to linger along Niall’s lips.

As he took a tentative step away from the door, shifting Niall’s weight against his body, the blonde decided it was the appropriate time to role his hips, grinding into Bressie, whose knees buckled at the touch. Groaning out a shameless _fuck_ against Niall’s mouth, Bressie walked them quickly through the hallway that was directly in front of the entrance, slamming Niall against the wall half way through.

Too desperate to get any further, Bressie dropped the boy to his feet, working his hands over the growing bulge at the front of Niall’s jeans.

“What do you want?” Bressie asked, his voice feeling foreign to his own ears, so raw and needy. Niall, ever so direct only rolled his hips in response, pushing Bressie’s hand more firmly against his dick. With his brow arched suggestively, Niall laughed at Bressie’s fake look of shock, shaking his head before kissing him again. 

It was so carefree, painfully easy that it had Bressie’s stomach in knots but rather than deal with his issues, he pushed them back into a dark corner of his mind, unbutton Niall’s jeans quickly until he was able to shuffle his hand inside the boy’s boxers.

The simply skin to skin touch had Niall choking on a sob, fingers running up Bressie arms to finally dig deeply into his biceps, demanding more. With a tentative hand, Bressie took hold of Niall’s cock, giving it a few tugs as he watched the younger lad’s face erupt into bliss.

“More,” moaned Niall, as he pressed his forehead to Bressie’s naked collarbone, licking at his skin in incoherent strips. Nodding in agreement, Bressie reached out with his free hand, tipping Niall’s chin up so they could kiss again as he increased his rhythm, tightening his hold on Niall’s dick as he jerked him off.

Suddenly, a clattering noise broke through Bressie’s desire fogged mind, the front door swinging open dramatically as Eoghan stumbled in, causing Bressie to push away from Niall rapidly, his heart stuck in his throat.

“Eoghan what the fuck are you doing here?” he asked quickly, stepping in front of Niall, feeling weirdly protective of the younger lad. The thought of Eoghan seeing Niall half naked, looking flushed and dishevelled, had his blood boiling.

“You texted,” slurred Eoghan, leaning against the wall as he raised his arm, showing the box of tools he was holding. “Needed help with a leak or something shite. Was down at the pub though, took me a while to see it.”

Immediately, Bressie softened at the words, knowing how much Eogahn had been worried about him over the last few days. He was somewhat moved that his friend would leave a good pint, during a ragging storm to come help him out with a leak.

“Nialler!” yelled Eoghan after a few seconds, tumbling closer, his wet feet leaving a slippery trail behind him. “Never did get to see you mate, this tosser hogging you like usual.”

“Yeah he is,” smiled Niall, over Bressie shoulder, stepping in front of him to hug Eoghan.

Niall had apparently had the time to button his jeans again, even though his erection was still quite visible. But it was obvious in the state that Eoghan was that he wouldn’t notice such a thing, like he probably wouldn’t remember what he’d seen when he walked in.

“I’m starved Brez,” added Eogahn, his arm still thrown across Niall’s shoulder as he dragged the younger lad towards the kitchen. “Tell me you have food in your fridge, and not that bunny shite you eat to train.”

Forcing out a laugh, Bressie nodded, following after his friends, catching the faint glance Niall gave him as he was pulled into the kitchen, the soundless words , you’re mine later, staining the air between them.

With a shiver running down his spin, Bressie nodded again, pushing his palm against his still straining erection until his mind calmed and he was able to string together a coherent sentence.

Eoghan be damned.


	6. Chapter 6

It was barely 6 am when Bressie’s internal clock woke him, blinking rapidly as he tried to adjust to the morning light. He groaned as he stretched, rolling over to hide deeper into the heat of his blankets only to come in contact with naked skin. His eyes snapped open again as he came face to face with a sleeping Niall, the younger boy’s face inches from his own.

It only took a second for the memories of last night to hit him. The way Niall had kissed him, their passionate encounter in the hallway that had been rudely interrupted by a very drunk Eoghan. The same Eoghan that had spent the rest of the night monopolizing Niall, barely allowing Bressie near him. By the time Eoghan actually fell asleep on the couch, Niall had already been knocked out for a good hour, spread out on the floor with a beer by his side.

After covering Eoghan with a blanket, Bressie had carried Niall to the guest bedroom, laying him out softly on the wide mattress. He had been unable to resist running his finger down Niall’s jaw, awed by the younger lad’s beauty.

It had taken what felt like hours for him to fall asleep after that, his skin prickling at its recent touch, begging him for more. He remembered Niall crawling into his bed late into the night, immediately allowing Bressie to relax. The moment the blonde boy had wrapped himself around Bressie, mumbling small words of being cold, Bressie had fallen asleep almost instantly. Having Niall there and being able to touch him, seemed to appease his mind, giving him an easy distraction as he threaded his fingers through Niall’s soft hair.

Unable to stop himself, Bressie allowed his fingers to skim along Niall’s nose, smiling when the younger lad snorted at the touch.

“Its too early,” whined Niall, surprising Bressie who thought the other was still sleeping. “Don’t want to get up.”

Bressie grinned at Niall’s childish tone, indulging him as he let his hand cup Niall’s jaw, tipping his head up so he could press a delicate kiss to the boy’s lips. For some reason, Bressie felt a new found courage in himself, a small voice in his head that was barely audible over the usual chaos telling him it was ok to try, that it was ok to take chances.

When he pulled away, Niall only whined further, chasing after Bressie’s lips with his eyes still close. Laughing softly, Bressie leaned down again, this time kissing Niall with a little less restraint, tongue demanding a way in as he settled his hand on the blonde’s waist, pulling them together.

“I want to wake up like this every day,” Niall sighed when they pulled apart, finally opening his eyes, revealing sparking blues that reminded Bressie of exotic oceans.

“You can’t” replied Bressie, immediately regretting it as Niall rolled away, groaning in obvious displeasure.

“I thought we were finally over this.”

Shaking his head with an amused smirked, Bressie shuffled closer, propping himself up on his hand, his elbow digging in the mattress next to Niall’s head as he hovered over the boy.

“I meant your plane leaves in a few hours.”

A small oh formed itself on Niall’s lips as he looked up at Bressie, suddenly shy. There was a light blush spreading over the boy’s cheeks, the morning sun casting shadows across his face. Blush spreading over the boy’s cheeks, the morning sun casting shadows across his face.

“You’re a twat for making me wait 3 days,” Niall whispered, hands tucked together as he picked at his fingers nails, refusing to look up at Bressie. “Now I’m leaving for months.”

Instantly, guilt formed in Bressie’s stomach, bubbling through his body as he coward away, rolling onto his back. But Niall was there seconds later, mirroring Bressie’s previous position, face inches away from his own.

“I’m not mad you finally got your shite together,” assured Niall, ghosting his fingers along the ink staining Bressie’s arm. “I just wish we had more time.”

Unable to do anything else, his throat tight with emotion, Bressie only shrugged, looking away from Niall as he felt his heart fall into a frantic beat. Niall was having none of his dismissal however as he straddled Bressie’s thighs, settling over him, running his hands along Bressie’s naked chest.

Groaning from the delicious pressure, Bressie captured Niall’s hands with his own, preventing them from running patterns into his skin. “Eoghan is still here, and your plane leaves soon.”

“Then make yourself useful and cook me something while I shower,” Niall said, bending over to nibble at Bressie’s jaw, rolling his hips in the process to grind his morning erection into the man’s hip.

“You’re such a tease,” gasped Bressie, digging his fingers into Niall’s ass, pulling the younger lad closer even though he knew it was a bad idea. He sought out Niall’s mouth, sighing in delight when the other kissed him easily, their tongues moving together.

Giggling, Niall pulled away, jumping off Bressie as he stood next to the bathroom entrance, smirking back at Bressie with a cheeky look. The sight took Bressie’s breath away, Niall standing there in nothing but a pair of black boxers and Bressie’s own shirt, obviously way too big on the boy’s smaller frame. The white cotton reached Niall’s mid thigh, barely showing the boxers, allowing Bressie’s mind to imagine what hid beneath. It took all the self control he had not to stand and corner Niall against the wall, wrapping the younger lad’s legs around his waist before fucking into him.

Pressing the palm of his hand against his hardening dick, Bressie closed his eyes, grumbling when he heard Niall laugh carelessly. When he heard the water of the shower start, he rolled over, trying to coax his erection away. As much as he wanted to march into the bathroom and press Niall up against the wet tile, worshipping his body until the water turned cold, he knew they didn’t have the time. He also knew how much Niall would have to pay if he missed his plane out and how angry Paul would be. And if there was one thing Bressie had learned through the years of visiting Niall on tour, it was that Paul was an amazing person, but you better not mess with his schedule.

Forcing away the thought of Niall only a few meters away, naked and wet, Bressie stood, opening the blinds as he marvelled at the morning scenery. The previous night’s storm had drifted away with the moon, allowing the sun to soak up the residue of the rain with its morning light.

A loud noise resonating from the living room captured Bressie’s attention, bringing him out of his day dream as he listened carefully to Eoghan’s voice. Pulling on a pair of sweats pants, he walked towards the sound, breaking out into fitful laughter when he found Eoghan sprawled out next to the couch, groaning as he rubbed his elbow.

“Hard morning,” smirked Bressie as he helped the man up, unceremoniously dropping him on the couch.

Eoghan only mumbled in response, a slur of you fucker and shite friend tumbling from his lips as he closed his eyes. Ruffling the man’s hair, Bressie left for the kitchen, taking out a few things to make omelets and toast. By then, Eoghan had managed to drag himself into the kitchen, taking a seat at the bar, barely able to sit on the backless stool.

“I had the weirdest dream last night mate,” whined Eoghan as he accepted the glass of cold water Bressie handed him.

“Oh yeah? Dream you made sweet love to a pint again?” Bressie joked, recalling a night months ago where they had both been so drunk neither of them had been able to make it home.

“I wish,” grumbled Eoghan as he sipped his water with a look of pure bliss on his face. “Dreamed I walked in on you and Niall. Mate, you had your hand shoved down the poor lad’s pants and were grabbing his dick. I swear, drinking makes me come up with the weirdest things.”

“Always knew you fantasised about me,” Niall laughed as he walked in, clapping Eoghan on the shoulder. “Never knew it was about me and the big man though, I’m hurt. I thought you were a little more possessive mate.”

“I would ruin you,” quipped Eoghan, grabbing Niall’s ass who only laughed at the process, glancing up at Bressie who was glaring at them, hands fisted together.

Immediately, Niall took a step away from Eoghan, swallowing as he watched Bressie’s eyes trail over him.

“I don’t think Brez would be much into sharing,” added Eoghan as he rubbed at his face.

“Probably not,” Niall agreed, taking a seat next to Eoghan but making sure not to touch the other man.

It was obvious to Bressie that his sudden jealousy seemed to spark something sad in Niall. He wanted nothing more than to snap at Eoghan for laying a hand on Niall, but he also knew how irrational that was. They hadn’t exactly defined what this was, or what they were going to do about it.

So rather than dwell over the fact that Niall had played it off like a joke rather than admit the truth to Eoghan, Bressie turned to the stove top and started breakfast. He ignored the sharp pain that spread through his chest, anxiety gripping at his throat slowly as he added ingredients to the eggs, feeling Niall’s eyes on his back.

He didn’t want to assume things, didn’t want to go all cave man, but he couldn’t help but feel hurt as he finished cooking. Settling a plate before both Eoghan and Niall, he excused himself, mumbling something about a quick shower before escaping the room, refusing to turn around when he heard Niall call his name. He locked the bathroom door rapidly, leaning back against it as he knocked his head against it repeatedly.

“You’re an idiot,” he mumbled to himself as he stepped into the shower, stinging cold water staining his skin as he scrubbed his skin raw, trying to get Niall’s familiar smell off of him.


	7. Chapter 7

Watching Niall jog up the stairs into the small private jet was one of the hardest things Bressie had done of late, holding in his emotions as he waved, forcing a smile when Niall waved back. They hadn’t really talked after Bressie’s shower, Eoghan’s presence probably holding them both back which Bressie was somewhat thankful for. He didn’t want to have to explain to Niall how bad he was struggling with the idea of opening up, and how painful it was for him to have Niall playoff their first encounter as a game. He didn’t know where any of this was leading, mostly scared of the changes it would trigger between Niall and himself which he wanted to avoid at all cost.

Kicking his feet up on the table in the middle of the living room, Bressie sighed, watching the motions on television without much interest. He had gotten back from the airport a few hours ago, immediately going out for a run to appease the growing anxiety spreading through his veins. By the time he’d made it home and showered, he figured Niall would have called or texted, but his phone had remained silent, glaring at him from across the room.

Bressie scratched at his stomach in annoyance, closing his eyes, trying to replay the memories of last night. Truth was he had been on edge every since Eoghan had touched Niall’s ass. And maybe it was a little cave man complex that he had, wanting no one to touch what he claimed to be his, but in reality, he had yet to make an actual claim.

Thing was, all Bressie could think about since he had gotten home was Niall, the way he smelled, the way he had felt under Bressie’s strong fingers. The images in his mind were driving him insane, the thought of Niall naked and smirking between his knees making him breathless.

Skimming his hand down his body, Bressie allowed it to linger at the edge of his sweatpants, trying to deter himself but he knew it was useless. The first touch to his half hard cock had him hissing as he focused on last night’s memory, images flashing through his mind. Tightening his hand around himself, he worked his wrist slowly, spreading the precome that leaked out around the head of his cock, biting down a moan.

He couldn’t help but picture Niall between his spread legs, teasing the coarse hair that ran up his thighs, maybe nibbling along the sensitive skin there. After last night Bressiw knew how demanding and rough Niall could be, certain in his desires and yet always so playful. There was always a lightheartedness to everything thing the blond did, a joy that radiated through his actions that made Bressie feel lighter.

Pumping himself a little fast, Bressie pushed down his sweats to get better access, working his length with more pressure, his hips slowly rocking into the movement. He reached down further, rolling his balls between his fingers, gasping at the sensation until he felt his phone vibrate against his thigh, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Fumbling to find it, his fingers sticky with precome, Bressie grinned as he watched Niall’s picture appear on the screen, thumbing the call into connection quickly.

“Niall,” he managed to say, his voice sounding slightly more needy than he had anticipated.

“Yeah Chief, it’s me,” Niall replied, an apparent smile in his voice. “You ok, you sound a bit rough?”

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Bressie tried to cough, pushing a hand against his cock. “I’m fine just um..”

“Were you jerking off?” suddenly interrupted Niall, a hint of excitement in his tone.

“Niall..,” Bressie found himself saying, feeling the blush settle across his cheeks. “It’s not what you think.”

On the other end of the line though, Niall was groaning, his breath suddenly coming out faster, heavier. “That’s so hot Brez, were you touching yourself? Thinking of last night?”

“Niall,” repeated Bressie, this time coming out as a whine as he hid his face into the couch, knowing perfectly well that Niall couldn’t actually see him.

“Are you naked babe?” Niall asked, almost nothing but a whisper, sending shivers down Bressie’s spin.

“Got my sweats still on,” he managed to mutter, feeling his cheeks burn as he wrapped his hand around himself again. He had never done this before, but the thought of Niall knowing what he was doing made his dick twitch, even if he was still a little nervous at the idea. The moan Niall let out however, encouraged him as he started jerking off again, this time with a little more purpose.

“You must look so fucking hot,” breathed out Niall, the sound of shuffling almost tuning out his voice. “Bet you look huge right now. Did you go running? You look so fucking hot when you come back from running, your arms just bulge and I want to lick every part of your skin.”

“I did,” Bressie stuttered, placing a word in Niall’s rambling, which only seemed to trigger more moaning.

“I want to suck your dick so bad,” Niall said, his voice so loud in Bressie ears that he thought he would come from the simple sound of it. Grunting at the words, he twisted his hand across the head of his dick, allowing Niall’s name to slip by his lips.

“Mmm..Yeah babe, you’d like that? Me on me knees for you, begging for your cock,” added Niall.

There were no coherent thoughts going through Bressie’s mind at that point, completely unable to make a full sentence, he simply repeated Niall’s name, dragging every stroke of his hand until he was breathless.

“I hope you’ll be a little louder when you fuck me Chief,” groaned Niall, his own voice now sounding strained. “Can’t wait to get you inside me, have your hands mark me up, wanted this for so long.”

“Fuck Ni, I want that. Want you,” Bressie grunted, the words getting caught in his throat as Niall gasped into the phone, the noise filtering through his brain, sending his over the edge, come quickly soaking his abdomen and fingers.

“Did you come babe?” Niall asked through a pant, the sound of his own hand around his dick now obvious to Bressie. In fact the sound was almost overwhelming, resonating in his ears as his orgasm kept crashing through him, his hand milking him through it.

“Yeah,” Bressie admitted, still embarrassed at what he’d just done, also quite surprised at how turned on he was by Niall’s dirty talk. “I wish you were here.”

“Me too,” groaned Niall, a crack in his voice echoing through the slap of skin, little whimpers seeping through the line. “Want to lick your come, want to taste you Brez.”

“Niall..” Bressie said as he stifled another moan, biting into his fist, trying not to embarrass himself further. Truth was he wanted nothing more than to get Niall off, to sound sexy and seductive like the blond did but he didn’t have a clue what he was doing. The thought of being ridiculed by his own gestures in front of Niall in a moment like this had his stomach churning, the wave of pleasure suddenly swept away by anxiety.

“Its ok babe,” replied Niall as if he sensed his hesitancy, as always knowing exactly how Bressie was feeling, soothing out his insecurities. “Just talk to me, tell me how you feel.”

“Hot,” mumbled Bressie, annoyed with himself for being unable to get Niall off, but wanting to do something. So he complied to Niall’s demand, rambling off. “My arms keep twitching, I feel weightless.”

“Love your arms,” Niall moaned. “Want them wrapped around me, want bruises on my skin so I can think of you every day and remember.”

Bressie’s used cock twitched at the words, his stomach clenching as he simply listened to Niall, considering flying out to Japan just so he could see how good he looked right this moment.

“I would give anything to hold you,” whispered Bressie, stepping on his ego as he closed his eyes, picturing Niall spread out on a nameless hotel bed, touching himself. “Want to make you feel good.”

“God Brez, yeah so close.”

“I like hearing you say my name like that,” Bressie said as he smiled, running a hand along his chest, tweaking his own nipple as he settled back into the couch, suddenly more relaxed. “Want to hear you breathe it into my ear when I’m inside you.”

Bressie name came through the line with a low whine, something feral as Niall’s breath hitched, obviously coming, making Bressie’s gut tighten. He wanted to be there with him, hated the fact that their first time was over the phone and not in person. He wanted to touch Niall, to spread his hand over the span of the other man’s stomach, press him down into the mattress before kissing him. He wanted to taste Niall, to see him, to hear, him. He wanted everything and although he was still flying high from his orgasm, he felt a little cheated.

“Fucking hell Chief,” panted Niall after a few seconds of silence, his voice raspy and needy, making Bressie’s fingers dig into the soft material of his couch. “I hope this is the first of many conversations.”

Laughing a he rubbed at his own face, Bressie grinned into the phone, biting down on his lip as he shook his head. “Maybe I can come visit you, eventually.”

“I’d like that,” replied Niall, sounding exhausted, a yawn ghosting through the line. “I want to put a body to those actions, want to feel you under me fingers.”

Groaning again, Bressie stood, swiping his hand on his sweats as he walked towards the bathroom, the phone stuck between his ear and his shoulder. “You’re gonna be the death of me, I can feel it.”

“Never in a million years,” promised Niall, yawning once more, his voice so small and tired. “Call me tonight, before you go to bed?”

“I will,” assured Bressie, muttering his goodbyes as he heard the conversation go dead. He stood in his bathroom, watching his reflection in the mirror, a proud smile on his face as he swept his fingers through the come on his stomach, washing it away quickly before stepping into the shower. He swayed under the steaming hot jet, massaging away the pressure of his orgasm, but

leaving him with the memories he’d need to cling to later when breathing felt like a painful task.


	8. Chapter 8

It had been a particularly long three weeks, filled with frustrating midnight runs to burn the edge off and longer than usual work outs. It’s not that Bressie wasn’t use to being away from Niall, quite the contrary, most of their friendship had been built across text messages and emails, but now things were different. Now, when Bressie lay in bed talking to Niall on the phone, he wanted to be able to run his fingers through the soft blond locks of Niall’s hair, to press the other man into his chest, and breathe in his scent.

A week after their encounter on the phone, Bressie found himself dragging his cellphone everywhere he went, including when he showered and gave lectures on mental health. He was so desperate to hear Niall’s voice, the simple tone of the blond now getting him off that Bressie couldn’t help but find himself half hard in compromising situations. To help the edge, they had had phone sex a few times, each time Niall sounding even more filthy than the last, which Bressie honestly hadn’t thought was possible.

By the second week, Bressie managed his urges a little better, distracting himself with countless meetings and conferences, working himself into the ground until he could barely think. When Niall would call late into the night, his own day finished, Bressie would mumble in his sleep, a smile etched on his face even if his eyes refused to open. He felt the uneasiness in his body melt away when Niall would yawn into the phone asking about his training, Niall’s laugh always a soft melody to Bressie’s ears.

The third week had been an entirely different mess. On Monday morning, Bressie woke up breathless, fire in his throat as he scratched at his arms feeling as though thousands of insects were trying to crawl through his skin. His vision was enveloped with darkness, a ringing sound blaring through his ears as he rolled off the bed, hitting the side of his head against the bed side table. When he came to, his body feeling weak, muscles aching as his mind pulsed with a headache, Bressie noticed the 4 missed calls on his cell phone, all of them from Niall. It was late in the evening when he managed to call Niall back, barely any emotion in his voice as he laid in bed, trying to reassure Niall. The rest of the week dragged on, Eoghan stopping by a few times to check on him, his mother doing the same, bringing food and praise.

And usually he managed to pull himself together quickly, even if he felt like shit, Bressie was able to fake a smile and get things done. Lately however, he found himself dragging through every day, forcing a smile everywhere he went. When he almost collapsed on stage during one of his talks, he decided it was enough. He had wanted to take a vacation for months now, knowing him body and mind were bound to fail him if he kept pushing himself so much but he had always pushed the date back.

Now however, it was obvious he had reached his limit, barely able to think straight, his entire body aching as he finally sat in his plane seat, paying no attention to the instructions up front.

Closing his eyes, he drowned out the sounds of the other passengers quickly, clutching his phone to his chest as he fell asleep, soon lulled into darkness by the buzzing of the engines.

\--------------------

Bressie paced through the crowded stadium, sweaty palms rubbing along his jeans as he walked away from the thick of people, heading towards the more reserved section. He showed his ticket to a man that allowed him through, indicating which way he had to go. Following the instructions, Bressie swallowed around the lump in his throat, trying to calm the voice in his head. What if he’s not happy you’re here.

Mumbling to himself to shut up, he watched the numbers on the doors rise until he came face to face with Niall’s private box. He knew Niall was supposed to be here, the Australian Open an event the blond had rambled about for weeks as Bressie smiled, simply happy to listen to Niall talk.

Knocking softly on the door, Bressie waited for it to open, Preston appearing before him in seconds. He was quickly escorted in as he pressed his finger to his lips, indicating that Niall knew nothing about his arrival. The man nodded, pointing outside as he mouthed he was going to head back to the hotel now that Bressie had arrived. Closing the door after Preston, Bressie turned, eyes falling on Niall who was slumped by the window, his posture showing no sign of excitement at the match below.

In fact, Bressie heard Niall sigh as he kicked the chair next to him, scrolling through his phone, typing out something quickly before throwing the phone further along the counter. He seemed utterly frustrated, making Bressie question his decision to surprise the blond entirely. He had longed to see Niall again, to find comfort in the man’s touch and laughter, and now that he was here, meters away, Bressie felt like he had no right to demand such attention from Niall. Selfish bastard, he thought as he started rubbing his forearm along the side of his jeans, the material digging into his skin.

“Need a beer,” he heard Niall mutter as the blond stood, pushing at his own chair before looking up, his entire body freezing into place when he saw Bressie. “What the fuck you doing here?”

That’s not the reaction I had hoped for, thought Bressie as he shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. “Wanted to see,” he said, voice low and needy, almost embarrassingly so. “I kinda miss you.”

“You absolute tosser,” grumbled Niall as he stepped forward, all but launching himself at Bressie until his arms were wrapped around Bressie’s neck. “I was worried sick, you haven’t answered me text in hours.”

Just as Bressie was about to apologize, Niall’s mouth fell upon his own, a desperate kiss that blossomed quickly between them , which spread like fire through Bressie’s body. For the first time in almost a month, it was the good type of fire. Running his hands down Niall’s side, Bressie marveled at the memories sparking in his mind. He had missed this more than he wanted to admit.

Pulling away, breathless and flushed, he smiled down at Niall, wrapping an arm around his waist. “So you’re not mad I didn’t tell you in advance I was coming.”

“Fuck no,” groaned Niall, rubbing his face into Bressie’s chest, hands clinging tightly to his shirt. “Missed you so much, but fucking hell we’re stuck here.”

“How come?”

“Signed a contract, gotta show in the lounge for at least an hour after the game,” Niall sighed, his lips pressed to Bressie’s chest. “If only I’d known.”

“Its fine,” assured Bressie, pulling away to tug Niall back towards the window, taking a seat as Niall did the same next to him. “I love tennis.”

With a shrug falling from his shoulders, Niall nodded, reaching out to intertwine their fingers, dragging his chair closer to Bressie’s. By the time Niall had stopped squirming in his seat, he was practically entirely pressed to Bressie’s side, their laced fingers resting in Bressie’s lap.

“Where did Preston go?” Niall asked after a few minutes, bringing Bressie out of his thoughts as he watched the ball bounce from one side of the court to the next.

“Back to the hotel,” he replied easily, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Niall’s head. He remembered calling Preston up last week, telling him he wanted to surprise Niall. Preston had been great, giving him a detailed copy of Niall’s busy schedule. Today was Niall’s only day off, followed by a few concerts spread out over the next few days that Bressie wanted to attend. It had been a while since he’d seen Niall perform and the thought thrilled him. There was something awfully erotic about Niall strumming an electric guitar on stage, dressed in ripped clothing and bright snapbacks.

“D’you lock the door?”

Humming in agreement, Bressie looked down at Niall, watching a mischievous smirk spread across the blond’s face.

“I don’t like that look. The last time I saw that look, Eoghan couldn’t walk for a week.”

“He’s the one that fell off the horse,” whined Niall, moving closer to Bressie, practically straddling him.

Looking around frantically, Bressie allowed his hands to settle on Niall’s hips. They were in public, barely above the regular stands where anyone could see and Bressie knew better than to fuck with Niall’s public image.

“Babe,” he tried to warn, but his voice came out needy. “We’re in public.”

“How exciting,” Niall all but purred, nuzzling his face in the crook of Bressie’s neck. The blond pressed hot kisses along Bressie’s skin, making the bigger man groan. He knew he should tell Niall to stop, but his body and mind were in total disconnect.

Sliding to his knees, Niall squeezed himself between the wall and Bressie’s spread legs, hands already roaming along Bressie’s legs.

“Since you like tennis so much, you can watch the game,” hummed Niall, fingers pulling Bressie’s jeans open quickly. “I’ll just entertain myself.”

Before Bressie could argue, Niall’s slender fingers were wrapped around his length, smoothing its way up and down, coaxing him to hardness. Biting down into his bottom lip, feeling the metallic taste of blood spread on his tongue, Bressie tried not to be too loud as he widened his legs, accommodating Niall’s shoulders.

He could hear Niall mutter something barely audible, muffled by the way he pressed his lips to Bressie’s inner thigh. In no time, Bressie’s dick hardened at Niall’s touch, the breath fanning over his sensitive skin only an added pleasure.

As he threaded his fingers through Niall’s hair, needing to ground himself, Bressie blinked, watching the scene before him. The match was well on its way, men grunting with every stroke of their racket, almost matching Bressie’s own sounds. He couldn’t believe he was actually doing this, getting a blow job in the middle of a stadium. There were literally thousands of people right next to them, nothing but a thin piece of glass between them. In fact, Bressie was almost sure that if the people in front of the window stood and turned around, they could see him perfectly well trying to contain his facial expressions.

The drag of Niall’s lips across the underside of Bressie’s dick had him gasping, his fingers tightening in the soft blond locks. Seconds later, he felt Niall working his tongue along the head of his cock, a moan sending shivers through his body.

“Fuck Niall,” he muttered, pulling on the blond’s hair, earning another moan. Niall was surprisingly good at this, his lips stretching over Bressie’s cock with just the right amount of pressure to make him unable to control his movements. He started thrusting unconsciously into Niall’s mouth, pushing down on the other man’s head slightly as Niall’s fingers dug into his thigh.

Pushing his elbows against the counter, Bressie pressed his face down into his hands, blinding himself, completely overwhelmed with the touch of Niall’s mouth around him. He knew he wouldn’t last long, phone sex only went so far and the comforts of Niall’s lips were so much better than Bressie’s own hand.

“Never gonna last babe,” Bressie mumbled. He was practically fucking Niall’s mouth by then, standing on the tip of his toe, his ass barely resting on the chair below. The sight of Niall taking it so easily, lashes tear stained as he looked up at Bressie, smiling around his dick, almost had him coming.

“You’re fucking gorgeous,” grunted Bressie, fisting his hands tighter in Niall’s hair, getting off completely on the whimper the blond let out.

Niall made a filthy noise as he pulled away from Bressie’s cock, coughing into his fist, as he kept pumping Bressie, a wide grin on his face.

“Want to taste you,” moaned, Niall, brushing his lips across the top of Bressie’s dick. There was a mixture of precome and saliva spread cross Niall’s lips, making them shine filthily “Come for me Brez.”

“Just keep doing that,” replied Bressie as he fucked Niall’s fist, breath coming out in heavy pants as he closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe this was actually happening, after years of pinning like an idiot, he and Niall were finally together, emotionally and physically.

The thought coupled to Niall sucking on the tip of his cock again had Bressie coming. He felt Niall pull away as Bressie snapped his eyes open, large strips of come streaking their way along the blond’s mouth and flushed cheek. Biting down on the cry he was about to let out, Bressie clasped his hand at the back of Niall’s head, quickly pulling him up to kiss him.

At that point, he knew perfectly well that the thousands of people could see them in a heartbeat but he didn’t care, crashing his mouth to Niall’s in a desperate and filthy kiss. He palmed Niall’s erection through the blond’s trousers, whining when Niall pulled away quickly.

“If I come now, I’ll fall asleep and never make it to that party,” whimpered Niall, moving away from Bressie, but biting down on his lip, obviously conflicted.

“How expensive would it be to break that contract,” groaned Bressie as he pulled away, watching Niall lick his own swollen lips. Bressie couldn’t help but lean forward, licking the rest of his come off of Niall’s cheeks and lips as the blond giggled, pushing at his chest.

“You’re gross,” Niall said, pecking Bressie’s lips before sighing. He helped Bressie pull his jeans close, the feeling of himself sticky and used, completely uncomfortable.

“Breaking that contract would probably be more of a blow to my reputation,” Niall added, forehead pressed to Bressie’s collarbone.

Nodding, Bressie dipped his head, tipping Niall’s chin up so they could kiss again. This time it was slow, a bit more of a, I missed you, then their previous, I need you.

“We have time,” promised Bressie, wrapping his arms around Niall’s waist as they lingered in the moment, oblivious to the cheering crowd meters away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've struggled with many of the issues addressed here for a long time, and I always thought they were topics that didn't get a lot of attention. A while back I learned that Bressie also suffered from something similar as I did and that he was a spokesperson to advocate the importance of reducing the stereotype and issues around disorders of anxiety and depression.  
> It somehow inspired the beginning of this fic and in light of the fact he recently got more attention to the cause, I started working on it again.  
> I think its important for people to see the gravity of illnesses like these, and how common they are. And that help needs to be offered to people, without judgement.

Bressie sat in a surprisingly small room with no windows, the smell of sweat and weed strong in the air as he leaned back into the couch, listening distantly to the music playing outside. The boys were due on stage in less than an hour and yet they all seemed completely unfazed, lounging around the arena.

Liam and Zayn were both sat in front of him, sharing a tiny couch and a pair of earphones, and yet seemed to pay no attention to one another. In fact, Liam seemed deeply engrossed in his writing process, stopping constantly to play a few notes on his phone keyboard before writing something down in a notebook. All the while, Zayn looked as though he was about to fall asleep, his head lightly cushioned to Liam's arm as he flipped through an old comic book.

Bressie could also hear Louis and the band in the hallway, knocking around some footballs, annoying Harry who was trying to read with Lux but the child was obviously more interested in Louis's antics than Harry's words. Niall on the other hand was bantering in the corner with Mark after losing a challenge, trying to negotiate the number of laps he'd have to run in the morning.

It was strange to watch Niall in his natural habitat, to see him interact with people that weren't the usual London Irish Crew. His smile and laughter were truly contagious. It made Bressie nervous somewhat, afraid that his own daily struggles would taint the young boy's happiness. Yet, Niall never seemed bothered by any of it, not even after a week of basically living together in Niall's hotel suite.

Quite the contrary, Niall seemed fully at ease with aiding Bressie through the panic attacks, no longer stressed by it, only slightly flustered. The strange part being he always seemed to know exactly the right thing to do, be it leave Bressie alone to deal with his own emotions when need be, or wrap him up in his arms when he miraculously knew Bressie needed to be held.

In the end, Niall seemed to be the perfect balance to his anxiety, the touch of Niall's fingers changing the distressed shivers to jolts of pleasures. The only thing that still troubled Bressie was how easily Niall showed affection to Bressie in front of everyone else, intertwining their fingers without thought or pressing his lips to Bressie's whenever he felt like it.

Bressie on the other hand, couldn't help but gasp a little every time, looking around to make sure no one had seen them. It seemed to annoy Niall at first, until the young man explained that most people in the crew knew about the situation and were sworn to secrecy by their management. Even the boys were completely unperturbed by the fact that he and Niall were a couple. They got to be the target for a fair share of friendly comments, but all were done in good fun.

So when Niall walked away from Mark, practically jumping into Bressie's lap, no one seemed to even notice. Coiling his arm around Niall's waist felt like the natural thing to do for Bressie as he hid his face in the smaller man's neck, breathing in the familiar smell that eased his mind and calmed his heartbeat.

"Easy there Chief, don't want to break something before the big show," he said as he laughed, Niall squirming in his lap as he leaned into him to mess up his hair.

"Lou's gonna kill yah," replied Niall as he only leaned into the touch, resting his head against Bressie's collarbone, whining when he tried to remove his hand.

"You're so demanding," Bressie complained, but the smile on his face made it obvious he didn't mind, happy in fact that he got to bathe in Niall's proximity for a little longer before the show. "You nervous?"

"Not yet," sighed Niall, throwing a random piece of paper in Liam's direction who only rolled his eyes in response, his attention going right back to his writing. "I tend to only get nervous when Liam starts pumping us up."

"You always do great," assured Bressie, running his fingers slowly across Niall's forearm, enjoying the way the smaller man all but purred at the touch. "You're ace at this."

"Me voice has been shit lately, keep missing me cues," shrugged Niall, for a quick second his entire demeanour seemed to shift into something sad and depressing but quickly changed back when Louis walked into the room.

"Lads!," smiled Louis, clapping Niall on the back as he stole his snapback, flipping it onto his own head as he dropped into Liam's lap, stealing his pen and flicking it at Zayn. "Ready to kick some ass?"

"I'm gonna kick your ass," Zayn grumbled as he pulled his tongue out, making a face at Louis before going back to his comic book.

"Oh Zaynie, such a ball of sunshine you are," scoffed Louis, leaving Liam's lap to grab a bottle of water. "How about you Nialler, please tell me all those orgasms you're getting are making you excited."

Barking out a laugh, Niall nodded, kissing the top of Bressie's head who groaned and hid his face against Niall chest.

"You know it, Tommo," chuckled Niall as he stood, shaking his bum in Bressie's face for a second before bumping fists with Louis.

"Oi, can't you guys be even a little professional," Bressie said as he stood, following Niall, only to stand behind him, needing the proximity to soothe his racing mind, still trying to get used to the idea of not having to hide his feelings for Niall, but also to hide the fact that he was already sporting a semi.

"We're five lads in their twenties, touring the world mate, what d'you expect?" Louis said as he cocked a brow, a devilish smirk spread across his face.

"From you Tomlinson, nothing less," admitted Bressie, pushing his body into Niall's. "Just gonna borrow this one for a few minutes if you don't mind."

Without waiting for an answer, Bressie picked Niall up, lifting him up onto his shoulder, knowing Niall's laughter would cause a commotion but suddenly, for some reason, he didn't care.

He heard Louis calling after them, telling him not to abuse Niall's throat too bad before they disappeared out the door, and into another small room, one empty of crew members this time. He could feel the rumble of Niall's chuckle spread through his own body, the electricity of the younger man's touch along his lower back making him insane.

The minute Niall's feet touch the ground, Bressie was pushing him up against the door, working his knee in between the smaller man's legs until Niall grunted, grinding against him.

"I like when you go all cave man on me," Niall moaned as he moved closer, seeking Bressie's lips, kissing him gently, because Niall always kissed like he was asking permission nowadays, testing the waters before truly moving in. "But I really shouldn't be doing this."

"I know," sighed Bressie, bending down so he could move his mouth along Niall's neck, pressing kisses until he could feel the thumbing of his own heart reflected in the smaller man's breathing. "Just wanted you to meself for a few minutes before I share you with the world."

"S'not really sharing," Niall said as he bit his bottom lip, starring directly into Bressie's eyes, offering a soft smile before allowing his eyes to trail down to the bigger man's mouth. "Don't want anyone but you."

"Charmer," teased Bressie, finally silencing Niall as he kissed him slowly, allowing his hands to trace the lines of the other's body, knowing every dip and curve by now. And Niall gave in so easily, melting into Bressie, his entire weight now pressed into the taller man.

If it wasn't for the knock that came on the door, Liam's familiar voice filtering through to disturbed them, Bressie had no doubt that they would have ended with a lot less clothes than intended. But Niall being the responsible professional he was, pulled away after the third knock, shouting a crude, 'I'll be out in a minute ya wanker," before kissing Bressie again.

"You're ma called me again," Niall whispered when they pulled apart, pressing his forehead to Bressie's collarbone. "Says you're ignoring her calls, she was worried you know, thought you might have gone off your meds."

Rolling his eyes, Bressie pulled away, suddenly feeling overheated, as if the room was caving in on him. "I'm an adult you know, she shouldn't have called you."

"Chief, its fine if you don't want to tell her about us, but don't make your ma freak the fuck out when you're doing good."

When Bressie stayed silent, watching his feet even though Niall was inches away from his face, Niall exhale loudly, pushing his finger into Bressie's arm lightly. "You're good right?"

"I'm good," repeated Bressie, almost automatically. So much so that it didn't feel real, it felt practiced. He remembered the days where he repeated that same phrase to his rugby coaches, to his teachers and even his parents. The difference was, for once, he was confused by his own answer.

And Niall caught on right away, sighing as he cast his eyes down, shaking his head in what looked like obvious frustration. "Don't do that Brez, don't fucking lie to me."

"I'm not lying," tried Bressie, but his voice came out raw and choked, barely cohesive.

"I have a show to do," Niall murmured, brushing by the taller man as he kicked the door open, not once looking back. It was apparent in Niall body language that he didn't wanted to be followed at the moment, probably needing time to cool off before stepping on stage.

Frozen to the spot, Bressie stood there panting, his heart racing as guilt bubbled in his stomach. He wasn't exactly certain what had happened, how he had gone from overly happy to completely emotionally fucked in seconds. The thought of his mother worrying about him had always been an issue, feeling like a ball and chain to his family and friends. The harsh reality was that even at 34, his mother still worried about him as though he was a child. And now that stressed seemed to be passed down to Niall.

Although, truth be told, Bressie wasn't actually certain why his answer had sounded so untruthful even to his own ears. Spending time with Niall made him the happiest he had felt in years. Not only did he feel happy, he felt calm and relaxed.

Maybe it was the fact that he simply wasn't use to having an anchor that kept him sane, someone to lean on, someone he was suppose to lean on. A relationship, of any form, even between people that didn't have a generalized anxiety disorder meant helping the other through thick and thin, and yet here Bressie was, struggling with the idea of sharing his issues, of allowing Niall to carry part of his burden, or even simply of taking the responsibility to soothe it.

After a few minutes of trying to control his breathing, Bressie managed to leave the small room, walking directly towards the stage where he saw the boys entering, the fans screaming so loudly that it was almost deafening. In the middle of them, stood Niall, a sombre look on his face that seemed completely wrong on the usually jovial man, strumming his guitar with little enthusiasm.

Muttering a string of curses to himself, Bressie forced his body to advance further along the stage, finding a spot where he knew Niall would see him, and when their eyes finally met, he whispered the only thing he could; I love you, hoping Niall's lip reading skill and vision would be good enough to understand.


End file.
